little bitty girl

Life is many times uncertain whereas death is the one certainty that we all have. I never really know how to quite deal with death and grief, despite the fact that it is something I experience quite often, coming from a very large and tightly knit family.

My amah (grandma on my dad's side) passed away this morning. Although, she had been quite ill for quite sometime, her death is still shocking and very sad to me. I have been walking around in a daze for most of the morning, not quite knowing how to react.

My relationship with her, like all my relationships with my family members was a complex one. I remember that I had my very first lesson in apologizing when I was three. I had a very bad cold and my parents had dropped me off at Amah's as no one else was available to look after me. To my father's shock, when he came to pick me up I was sitting outside her porch with my day bag, scowling and arms crossed. I think I had gotten into my very first argument in my life over a cabinet. I can't quite remember the details but my grandmother had called me the "spawn of Satan."

Thus began the battle of wills between my Amah and I. Throughout the years there were many other such battles. But in between those battles, were many more times of joy and laughter. My grandmother was always a little hard of hearing and could not get her tongue around certain English words. For example, my cousin on my mum's side, Angel, probably got the worst brunt of this. We were trying to explain how Angel was our "cousin" and she thought we had said "Kacheng" which means "Butt." Even today, we sometimes tease Angel with that and she gets really irritated. Then there was the time when we had left our dog Snowy with her when we moved to Canada. She couldn't pronounce it at all so she renamed it to what she thought was close which was "Roti/Loti" which means "Bread." The damn dog then had the audacity to not answer to anything other than that after and I always felt like such a fool whenever he got lost and I had to look for him.

My Amah was a very fierce and independent woman. She may have been dimunitive in size but cross her the wrong way and you would not know what hit you. I remember once when someone had been stealing her bananas from her fruit garden and she caught the perpetrator red handed. This man who was almost twice her size was practically weeping by the time she was done with her tongue lashing.

It was with that fierce determination that she showed her love to us, her grandchildren. I truly believed that she loved each and everyone of us for all our unique differences. I was the little "performer" and there were many nights where I would be singing and dancing and she would be sitting in a corner just clapping her hands, telling me that I was her superstar and I would be on television one day. It never quite happened but I was always content enough performing for her.

Then there was Ronald, my brilliant musician cousin. I don't think she quite understood his love of music but she just thought he was awesome. Ayu (Lawrence) was always her cheeky, funny, fat grandson. Apong (Grace) was her first grandchild so in her mind, the girl practically walked on water. So-Ann (Jo-Ann) was her little angel, Louisa was her gorgeous girl. Kelvin was always a little sickly so she was constantly worried about his health but she also allowed the fact that he was very "nakal" (naughty) so he got away with a lot of pranks. Kenny was her oldest grandson, and looked a lot like my dad, I always think she had a little special place for him in her heart. Agin (Lenny) was her little monkey and Lanice (Janice) was the baby of all the grandchildren so she was super spoiled.

Nothing was ever too much for us all. Around the lantern festival, when other grandchildren had just the standard paper lanterns, Amah always made sure she asked us what we wanted and we always had the best ones in the neighbourhood. We would strut around with our intricately made roosters, mermaids and ships. Chinese New Year was always so much fun as Amah would indulge us in our favourite sweets and treats. Amah was never formerly educated but she always somehow managed to teach herself the basics and every year would faithfully mark down all our birthdays in her calender.

Of course things were not always rosy. Amah had an extremely unhappy and painful childhood and had never been showed love, so she had a very hard time showing it herself. But no matter how mad she and I were at each other, I always knew she forgave me all my faults whenever she made my favourite Asam Fish Curry. I really wish I paid more attention whenever she made it because that recipe is now forever gone with her.

It took me a really long time to realize this later on but despite all the harsh words she would throw our way, she always did truly love us all. One of the things she would say - "my mouth is bad, but my heart is good", it was the closest thing we ever got to an apology and really, at the end of the day, it was enough.

So, at the end of today, it is not the negative things about her that I remember. I just remember being held in her arms, my face resting against the crook of her neck as she walked towards the beach. I hope that at the end of this journey that she has taken, that she is happy and at peace.