little bitty girl

Meet Mernie, my best friend's baby! The name "Mernie" came about quite a few months back when I was in Vancouver last, when we were being nerds, trying to come up with the equivalent of "Bennifer" for ourselves. Stefan and Karen don't really make a good meshing name, but Marie + Bernie = Mernie was an instant hit.

That's what we've been calling her baby. It sucks that we don't know the sex yet mainly because it's so hard to pre-shop for the baby. Marie is the very first of my close group of girlfriends having a baby and I've been living vicariously through her. Every week that goes by we'll talk about how big the baby is getting - "Mernie's an apricot now!"....."Now, Mernie is a limon (the size between lime and lemon)" It's all been very exciting, I must say.

It didn't actually feel true until the ultrasound and woah! there really is a baby in there. It isn't some big hoax.

People ask me all the time whether I've got the "baby fever" yet and I haven't at all. Maybe it's because I am selfish and I like my lifestyle, but really I'm just not ready. I just started a new marriage, a new job....so much on my plate.

Motherhood is such a sensitive subject though, isn't it? It's such a personal choice.

I do see myself as a parent one day. Sometimes, I say I want three children as I come from a family of three and loved our childhood. Sometimes, I want eight! I know that I don't really want an only child because I feel that it's a lot of responsibility for that child to shoulder when the parents get older. I know I don't even want to think about having children until I am at least in my 30's. Sometimes, I am not sure if I really want to bring children into the world, in its current geo-political climate. I don't know if I need to biologically have my own. I think I might like to have one, just to have that experience. I know that having a biological child doesn't necessarily make one a parent. I've always had dreams of adopting children from other places in the world. I know that Stefan will be an amazing father.

I really hate it that whenever I do ponder these thoughts out loud, mothers of children (especially women who really don't know me) always have to be smug and condescendingly say,"You don't know...." and proceed to give me reasons why their views or values or opinions or beliefs are so much more important than my own.

The thing is, it's all open to me. Everyone approaches their life in a different manner, and should be able to make the choice that best fits them. If I am to be blessed with any children at all, I just want them to be happy, healthy and grow up to be decent human beings. If I don't have any, I have other people's children to love and care for. But being a mother or not, won't define who I am.

And really, until that day arrives when Stefan and I make a choice, I'm perfectly content just to kiss sweet Mernie's toes. Look at those cute toes!!